Shattered Earth
by Wyolake
Summary: The Reapers have attacked Earth and Shepard is back on the Normandy.  How will she will she handle working with Kaidan again?  Rated T for language  may change in later chapters .
1. Chapter 1

**Shattered Earth**

**A/N: I am not a writer, but I have had these scenes in my head since I first played Mass Effect 2. I finally wrote them down and decided to publish them. This is my first time writing for the public. Please be gentle in your criticism. ****This is my vision of the reunion between Kaidan and Emelia Shepard at the beginning of Mass Effect 3. Since it is still a couple of months until the game comes out I have kept my scenes to personal interactions only. I don't want this to be completely irrelevant once the game comes out. **

**18 Feb 11: Fixed some errors and put in the separators that somehow disappeard. Also, changing Kaidan's rank now the demo is out. 2 ranks in 2 years was plausible, but I'm angry they made it 3. That is pushing it.**

**Emelia Shepard, survivor of Mindoir, Elysium and (mostly) paragon.**

Shepard watched sadly as Anderson trotted away from the Normandy. She hadn't been expecting him to send her on her way and stay behind. She had known Anderson since early on in her military career and looked up to him as almost a father figure.

As Shepard stood on the ramp of the Normandy she saw movement in the distance and watched the little boy get on the Alliance shuttle and felt a swell of hope wash over her. At least this one little boy she had watched playing on his roof for the last several weeks would survive. Despite the carnage all around them this one little life proved to her the importance of fighting.

As she began to turn away from the cargo ramp she noticed a dark shape in the distance. Turning back to the scene she saw the Reaper laying waste to the city. She watched as the shuttle door closed and the craft took off. She knew it was too late as the Reaper let out a beam of destructive light. The shuttle banked hard, but the Reaper's weapon caught it and it exploded before Shepard's horrified gaze.

Shepard closed her eyes against the pain of the loss of that boy and so many others. One more death to add to her long list of losses. She didn't know the boy, but she felt his death as keenly as the deaths of those she had known. Sadly she turned as the ramp closed. Taking a deep breath she headed for the bridge. Despite her weariness she had a job to do. The Reapers were here and she had to stop them.

Kaidan was already standing behind Joker's chair as the helmsman piloted the Normandy through the enemy. Shepard joined him and watched with tense helplessness as the sheer number of Reaper ships attacking Earth became apparent.

James Vega came jogging into the cockpit. "Shepard," he started, but she waived at him to be silent.

The Normandy shuddered under a couple of hits as they left orbit and Joker piloted the ship away from Earth. "Damage?" Shepard barked.

-Negligible damage to hull and systems- The ships VI stated in flat tones. Shepard noticed the change in inflection and missed the emotional resonance of EDI when she had been a full AI. When the Cerberus crew left the Normandy they had taken the AI portion of EDI's programming with them. No need to let the Alliance know just how powerful the AI was.

"Shepard, we can't leave!" Vega said with emotion. "We have to defend Earth! We can't leave all those people helpless!"

Shepard turned to face the large, muscular Lieutenant. "Even the Normandy won't make a difference, James. We need to gather allies and come back with a force large enough to take the Reapers out."

"But-" James sputtered, but the words died as he looked at the calm face of Lt. Commander Emelia Shepard. He nodded sadly and looked at the floor.

"Destination, Commander?" Joker asked quietly.

"The Citadel," Shepard answered. "I doubt they will actually do anything, but that needs to be our first stop."

"I agree," Kaidan said quietly. "The Citadel is the best place to start. With the information about Earth perhaps the Council will act."

"Riiight," Joker muttered. "Course laid in, Commander. Twenty minutes to the relay. We'll be at the Citadel in just under four hours."

Shepard turned away from Kaidan and looked at Joker. "I'll be in –"

"Med-bay," Kaidan interrupted her. Shepard spun around and leveled a glare at him.

"Is that an order, _Major_?" she spat in anger.

Kaidan out-ranked her now and had been put in command of _her_ ship. She truly was angry. She was angry that he was here as she had wished for, but it wasn't the same. They were separated by Horizon and Cerberus. She was angry that Earth had fallen to the Reapers and she was angry that everything she had been through in the last three years was for nothing.

Shepard welcomed the anger and held onto it. The anger helped keep her going; it pushed the despair into the background for the moment.

"Yeah, you two need to decide on the chain-of-command," Joker said tersely. "I'm not playing 'Mom said, Dad said'."

"You might be injured, Shepard. You just ran a battlefield with no armor," Kaidan said quietly. The concern in his eyes nearly undid her resolve, but she held tight to the anger before it could slip away.

"I'm fine," She replied tersely. Kaidan and Emelia stood there for a few minutes looking at each other before Shepard broke eye contact and looked at Vega. "James, get down to weapons control and make sure everything is good. Stand by in case we encounter resistance at the relay."

"Aye, aye, Ma'am," Vega gave her a smart salute and left the bridge.

"I'll be in my quarters," Shepard said quietly and left. She heard Kaidan call her name, but she didn't turn or slow down.

* * *

><p>Emelia entered her quarters and let out a deep sigh. She scrubbed at her tired eyes and could feel the grime on her face. She needed a shower. She looked around her and was surprised to see everything was the same as she had left it. The Alliance techs hadn't removed her few possessions.<p>

Shepard knew she should feel happy about that fact, but she felt numb. Kaidan was here! How many months had she wished for this very thing? Now he was here and it wasn't the same. After their encounter on Horizon she really wasn't sure what his feeling were for her. She still loved him deeply, but he had been so angry with her and he had called her a traitor for working with Cerberus. The pain of his rejection hadn't lessened with the passage of time.

Shepard rubbed her eyes again and pushed away the hurt that memory caused her. _Shower first, you can figure out how you feel about Kaidan later_, she told herself.

She walked over to the wardrobe and began to look for a change of clothes. She took a hanger off the rack and looked at the uniform. The yellow Cerberus logo was prominent at the collar. In disgust she threw the garment on the floor and took out another, and then another and another. Cerberus. Every single one had the Cerberus logo! Shepard's frayed nerves gave over to anger as each piece was hurled to the floor.

Shepard opened the armor compartment under the wardrobe and pulled out her old armor. The Cerberus logo was stamped garishly on the left chest. She threw the armor on the floor with all her strength and a strangled roar of rage. With no other articles of clothing to vent her feelings on, Shepard kicked the pile of clothing and stomped up the stairs to sit at her desk.


	2. Chapter 2

- CHAPTER 2-

Kaidan finished his rounds of the ship and made his way to Shepard's quarters to give her his report. He could have sent the report to her computer, but he wanted to see her. He hoped they might be able to talk and he could properly apologize for Horizon. And apologize for his apology letter, which had been embarrassingly inadequate.

He left the elevator and pushed the console at her door to announce his presence. To his surprise the door immediately opened. Kaidan stood frozen at the threshold in stunned confusion. There was a pile of clothing scattered on the floor and bits of glass all over the carpet.

Kaidan slowly walked through the door and surveyed the damage. His boot crunched on some glass and he looked down. There was a picture frame on the floor by his foot. Judging by the mark on the fish tank the picture had been thrown with significant force against the huge glass structure.

Kaidan picked up the frame and Shepard's Star of Terra Medal nearly dropped out of the glassless frame. Kaidan quickly righted it and straightened the medal against the silk backing. Looking around the entrance he saw more of her medals lying in broken heaps around the floor and desk.

Kaidan surveyed the desk and noticed the computers had been swept off, all of the medals were gone and the models of the Normandy and other ships that had hung above the desk were gone.

A sound from the living area below caught his attention and he slowly walked down the steps, still clutching the frame containing the Star of Terra. Kaidan looked at the sitting area and saw the chair and coffee table and been turned over. The remains of the model ships and some more medals and books were strewn around the area. Glass from the display where the ships had hung was all over the sitting area.

Shepard sat on the couch amongst the wreckage with her forearms on her knees and her head bent. She seemed unaware of his arrival. She was still dressed in the dirty fatigues she had arrived in and it was obvious she hadn't showered yet.

Kaidan was filled with concern, but he kept himself still as he softly called out to her. "Shepard?"

She didn't look up as she answered. "I don't have anything to wear." Her voice sounded tired and a little ragged.

The statement was so unlike anything that Lt. Commander Emelia Shepard would ever say in a situation like this that Kaidan was struck dumb for a moment.

"We're going to meet the Council and I don't have one damn piece of clothing without a fucking Cerberus logo on it," Shepard continued without raising her head.

"Uh…okay," Kaidan supplied dumbly.

Shepard finally looked up at him and must have noticed his confused expression. "I had a temper tantrum, so sue me." She said without emotion and looked back down at her hands. Everything about her, from her voice to her posture, was quiet and tired. Almost as if she couldn't gather enough energy to even show emotion.

Kaidan took a step forward and held up the frame he carried. "Your Star of Terra, Shepard?" His voice conveyed his confusion and shock.

"That's NOT my Star of Terra!" Her sudden shift from lethargy to outright rage made Kaidan take a step back. "The medal that was presented to me was destroyed with the first Normandy. That," she gestured weakly toward the frame in Kaidan's hands, "is a copy provided by Cerberus. None of them are my actual medals. Just copies."

The blast of rage was gone as quickly as it appeared and she hung her head again. "It's not like any of them mattered. The Alliance arrested me and relieved me of duty. My record and accomplishments meant nothing."

"That's bullshit, Shepard, and you know it!" Kaidan was angry now and very frightened by this stranger sitting in front of him. He had known Emelia Shepard better than anyone. He had loved her, still loved her. He never would have thought her capable of the words or actions he was witnessing.

"Your arrest and being relieved of duty was for show. The Batarians were threatening war, so the Alliance made it look like you were being punished. When in fact they brought you to the Defense Council so you could help them prepare to fight the Reapers!"

Shepard leaned back against the couch and scrubbed at her eyes. "What good did that do? I died and it meant nothing. I stopped the Reapers twice and the Alliance did nothing and now Earth is being destroyed."

"Shepard," Kaidan said pleadingly. He didn't know how to handle this depressed woman. Shepard had always been strong and sure. His heart ached at the pain she must have suffered to bring her to this point.

"It's alright, Kaidan," She said as she stood. "I'm fine. I just need a shower and a little bit of sleep."

She gave him a small smile, but it was clearly forced. "You can go."

"Shepard, no," Kaidan started to say, but she interrupted him.

"I'm taking a shower now and I'm too tired to argue with you. Please leave." She walked around him, picked up a uniform from the pile and disappeared into the bathroom.

Kaidan stood in shocked silence for several minutes and then began to clean up the wreckage.

* * *

><p>Emelia realized she had been standing under the hot water for a very long time. She had been lost in thought, trying to bring order to the kaleidoscope of events that had taken place over the last few hours. It seemed impossible that it had only been a few hours.<p>

She quickly washed and turned off the shower. Her fingers were all wrinkly as she put on the Cerberus uniform. It was the black and white jumpsuit and had orange patches on each shoulder with SR2 on them. It at least didn't have the Cerberus logo plastered on the front.

With a sigh she began to put her hair up. It was below her shoulders now. She hadn't let her hair grow since joining the military, but she liked the length. It reminded her a little of the girl she had been on Mindoir. She had decided to keep growing it.

Finished, Emelia looked at herself in the mirror. She wished she could be in an Alliance uniform. What a horrible first impression to leave with the crew and she knew how important first impressions could be. And then there was Kaidan.

Emelia let out a deep sigh and leaned her forehead against the cool glass of the mirror. She needed to talk to him, to explain…well, everything. He hadn't given her a chance to tell her side on Horizon and she had been so shocked by his reaction she probably wouldn't have been able to if he had let her.

They also needed to talk about rank and command. He now out ranked her and she knew she should graciously concede and step into line as his XO. Part of her wanted to do just that, the tired part. That part of her wanted someone else to have to shoulder the burden and make the decisions.

However, the other part of her cringed at the idea of letting someone else have control. Although she trusted Kaidan to make the right decisions, she had been in Command so long that she wasn't sure she could be the good soldier and follow anymore.

With an irritated grumble she left the bathroom. She stopped within a step and looked around at her desk. Everything had been cleaned up. Her broken medals were stacked neatly on the far right of the desk. The computers had been set back in place. There was no glass left on the floor. Kaidan's picture was once again staring out at the room instead of turned toward the wall.

As Shepard walked down to the sitting/sleeping area she noticed the uniforms and armor had been picked up.

Emelia turned toward the sitting area and found the table and chairs had been righted, although, the table had a long crack in the glass top. There was a tray of food sitting on the table. Her stomach rumbled loudly and with a small smile she sat down and ate.

She had just finished when her door chimed.

"Enter," she called as she leaned back against the couch.

Kaidan came down the stairs and stopped. He looked unsure and he clasped his hands behind his back.

Shepard gave him a small, embarrassed smile, "Thanks," she said simply and waved her hand to encompass the room and food.

Kaidan simply nodded and gave a small smile in return. "Can we talk?" he asked quietly. At her nod he walked over and sat at the end of the couch by the stairs.

They sat on opposite sides of the couch in silence for several minutes simply looking at each other. Shepard forcibly maintained her relaxed posture despite the turmoil she felt coiling in her stomach.

She cleared her throat softly and broached the first topic. "I guess these should be your quarters, Major."

Kaidan tensed. Shepard had said it in an easy, conversational tone. "No," he said quietly. "You belong here."

"Kaidan, you have to be in command. You have the higher rank," she said in the same quiet tone. "It will cause questions if you're not."

Kaidan looked at her intently. "If anyone is left to question it," he said and then quickly moved on. "I'll concede to being in charge on paper, Shepard, but I want us to work together." He took a deep breath. "We _need_ to work together for the sake of the crew and the mission."

Shepard considered his words carefully before finally nodding. "Co-commanders, then. That will work." The thought made her feel better. She would still be in command, but wouldn't have to shoulder the burden alone. It was also a first step in reconciling with Kaidan. She almost felt giddy with relief.

"That means complete honesty, Shepard," Kaidan's voice and gaze were firm. "Neither of us makes a decision without talking to the other first. No hidden agendas."

Shepard felt a surge of anger at his words. Was this a dig about her time with Cerberus? Did he still not fully trust her? She managed to push the irritation down and simply nodded.

They fell into silence again and Shepard truly looked at Kaidan. _He looks good_, she thought to herself. He also seemed to have a new sense of self assurance that had been lacking in the Lieutenant she had met on the Normandy 1.

"You made N7," Shepard said quietly, looking at the emblem on his uniform.

Kaidan squirmed a little self-consciously. "And…and Spectre," he whispered and looked at her to see her reaction.

"Spectre?" Shepard repeated in surprise. As she said it she felt a feeling of pride come over her. Kaidan had always been a first rate Marine, although he had been a little too cautious and quiet. Her Kaidan, her Lieutenant had left the nest and was succeeding on his own. The feeling of pride grew and she gave him a full, sincere smile. "Congratulations, Kaidan. You deserve it and I couldn't be happier for you."

Kaidan gave a small chuckle and the tension in him seemed to recede. "I'm not sure it's a good thing. I saw what you went through as a Spectre."

"Your people skills are much stronger than mine," Shepard said with a laugh. "I'm sure you'll do much better with the Council than I did."

Kaidan laughed with her and shook his head. They lapsed into silence once again. The tension grew until it seemed the bulkheads would burst from it.


	3. Chapter 3

- CHAPTER 3 -

Kaidan and Shepard sat in silence in her quarters. Shepard had so much she wanted to say to him she was unsure where to start.

She almost told him to leave. She didn't want to get hurt again and the cowardly part of her was winning at the moment. _Don't share, don't let them get close_. That was the familiar mantra that she had clung to since Mindoir. Except for a few friends she had made early in her military career – friends she had lost on Elysium, she had followed that mantra. Until she had come to the Normandy, she had stayed to herself. She never shared her thoughts and feelings with her crewmates.

She still didn't understand how this man had worked his way into her carefully shielded feelings. It scared her sometimes that she seemed incapable of staying away from him. Self-preservation would tell her not to get involved, but from the beginning she craved to be near him and talk to him.

The silence was deafening and Shepard let out a long sigh and looked at Kaidan. "I died, Kaidan," she said, barely above a whisper.

Kaidan jumped slightly at the break in the silence and his eyes snapped to hers. She wasn't sure what she saw in them. Pain, grief, regret?

"I know," he whispered. "Anderson received an anonymous package a couple of months ago that contained the Lazarus Project files."

Shepard's face paled. "You saw it?"

Kaidan nodded and swallowed the bile the memory of the pictures brought back. "Did you?" he whispered.

Shepard shook her head. "When I first woke up I came across some personal log entries. What they said about my…condition made me realize I didn't want to see the video."

They lapsed into silence again. Shepard breathed a sigh and decided to tell him what he should have asked when they met on Horizon.

"I got Joker into the pod and was just starting to step in when an explosion took out the kinetic barriers around the cockpit," she looked down at her clasped hands as she said the words for the first time. "I was blown away from the hatch. I caught hold of a doorway, but the power was too great. I knew I wasn't going to be able to hang on. I managed to launch his pod before I was ripped out of the ship."

She took a deep, shuddering breath as the memory of floating in space came over her.

"You remember it?" Kaidan asked. His voice was barely above a whisper and was raspy with emotion. At her nod he put his face in his hands. "Oh, Emy," he couldn't continue as emotions clogged his throat.

Shepard suddenly sprang to her feet and began to pace the short distance between her bed and the desk. After a moment Kaidan got himself under control and looked up at her.

"My air hoses were damaged and I was leaking oxygen. Floating there, watching my ship break apart…" she trailed off and ran a hand over her forehead. "It seemed like forever, just hanging there – cold, so cold. And then my air ran out and I couldn't breathe. Suddenly I felt pain, horrible pain over my entire body. It felt like I was on fire. I tried to scream, but there was no air…" her voice trailed off as she took a shuddering breath as if to see if she could still breathe.

Kaidan made a sound from behind his hands. Emelia thought it might have been a sob, but she wasn't sure.

"And then I woke up and eventually realized I was on a Cerberus facility and two years had passed. Two years! Gone, in what to me was the blink of an eye." She looked at Kaidan, but he still had his head in his hands shaking his head as if he could change what he just heard.

Shepard sat wearily on her bed as the confusion and uncertainty she had felt after awaking came back to her.

Kaidan lifted his head and looked at her, but he didn't move from his seat. "Em, I'm so…sorry! It's not enough and never will be, but I am sorry. I didn't mean what I said on Horizon…" he trailed off.

With a deep sigh, Emelia stood up and began pacing again. "Do you know what the first thing I did was once I got on this ship?" She risked a glance at Kaidan and saw him shake his head.

"Well, actually the first thing I did was tell Joker to set a course for the Citadel," she gave a small chuckle. "Miranda was pissed! We were only an hour out from Omega and had two people to recruit there."

Emelia stopped pacing a leaned against the wall. She gave Kaidan a long look before continuing. "I came up here and went into the bathroom, which I hoped wasn't under surveillance like the rest of the ship." She took a deep breath and looked down at the floor before looking up again and continuing. "I cut my arm," she indicated her left bicep.

Kaidan blinked at her in confusion. "You cut your arm? On purpose? Why?" he trailed off as he looked at her.

"To see if I would bleed," she said intensely. "To see if I was _real_! Brought back from the dead? That isn't possible, I couldn't…" she wiped at her eyes quickly before looking at him again. "I didn't believe it, so how could I expect you to on Horizon."

Kaidan stood up and walked over to her, but stopped at her raised hand. "Em, I don't know why I reacted that way on Horizon. If I don't know, how can you?"

Emelia moved away from him and walked toward the fish tank. "I didn't understand for a long time, Kaidan. I was too hurt." She managed not to say devastated. "The Illusive Man told me that I had a choice and could leave anytime I wanted. And then he gave me a ship to do just that," she gave a humorless chuckle.

"I thought he was an idiot. Of course I wasn't going to stay! I would never work for Cerberus. But when I got to the Citadel I was rejected by the Council. Anderson said I was on my own, no longer a part of the Alliance military," she looked over at Kaidan and was unable to stop the pain of that rejection from showing on her face.

"The Illusive Man told me I had a choice because he had already made sure there was nowhere left for me _to_ go. He had released rumors before I even woke up to make sure that my old life would be unavailable to me."

"I was a rat in a maze, Kaidan, and I knew it. Knew it and was powerless to do anything about it at the time."

Kaidan scrubbed his hand over the back of his neck and shook his head. He tried to say something, but seemed unable to get any words to come out. He took a deep breath and tried again. "Can you ever forgive me, Em?"

Emelia sighed. "Kaidan, you reacted based on what you knew at the time. What the Illusive Man wanted you to know. I can't blame you for that."

Kaidan walked slowly over to her and ran a thumb over her cheek to remove the tears that were there. Emelia closed her eyes and leaned into his palm. He leaned forward and his lips brushed hers, softly in the barest beginnings of a kiss.

Emelia placed a hand on his chest and stopped the kiss. She looked up at him and saw the same pain in his eyes that she felt.

"It still hurts, Kaidan," she whispered as another tear fell down her cheek. "That you didn't give me a chance to explain. That you didn't trust me enough to even ask for my reasons."

"Emelia," Kaidan choked out as she moved away from him.

"Commander, we're beginning docking procedures at the Citadel." Joker's voice over the intercom seemed overly loud and Emelia winced at the sudden interruption.

She cleared her throat. "I'll be there in a minute, Joker." She gave a quick look at Kaidan before turning her back on him.

Kaidan stood there and looked at her back, her head down and her shoulders slumped. She had wrapped her arms around herself. He wanted more than anything to go to her and took a step in her direction.

She must have sensed his move because she spoke as soon as he took the step. "We have a job to do, Major." Her voice was small and ragged.

Kaidan stood there for a moment longer and then left her room. His heart ached and he tried to get himself under control as he went to change for the mission.

* * *

><p>Shepard stomped angrily through the airlock onto the Normandy, Kaidan immediately behind her.<p>

She was furious even though she had expected nothing different from the Council. They had received platitudes from the Council, but no real offer of support. No acknowledgement that Earth was in flames at this very moment.

"How's the Council?" Joker asked in a sarcastic happy tone as she and Kaidan reached the cockpit entrance.

"The same self-centered asses they always are," Shepard growled, but she felt better for getting it out and knew Joker had done it just for that purpose.

She and Kaidan entered the cockpit. Kaidan leaned against the bulkhead near the entrance and Shepard walked over and put a hand on Joker's chair.

"What's our next destination?" Joker asked, looking only at Shepard. She wondered briefly why Joker was patently ignoring Kaidan, but decided this wasn't the time to bring it up.

"I'm not sure yet. Have the senior crew report to the briefing room in twenty minutes for a de-briefing," Shepard looked at Kaidan and saw his nod of approval. "We stopped and ordered uniforms and armor for me. They should be delivered tomorrow, so we need to stay at least that long before heading out."

Joker nodded and she patted his chair before walking out of the cockpit. She and Kaidan hadn't spoken any more than necessary during their trip. The tension from that and her frustration with the Council left her feeling sore and weary. She headed for her quarters to try to relax for a few minutes before meeting with the crew.

Kaidan stayed where he was, casually leaning up against the bulkhead. He stared at Joker with hard eyes. He had noticed the slight the helmsman had given him and he knew it was deliberate.

Joker sat in his chair and returned Kaidan's glare. The angry words that had been exchanged on several occasions with Kaidan after Shepard's death were fresh on his mind.

"I know I am responsible for her death," Joker spit out at Kaidan. "But I'm making up for that. I stayed with her and supported her. Each. And. Every. Day. You ignored the slander the Alliance did to her memory and turned your back on her when she needed you most."

"That's between Shepard and me," Kaidan growled and stood up with his fists clenched. "You mind your place and do your damn job, Moreau."

"My place," Joker hissed at his former friend. "And my loyalty is with Shepard. I don't give a damn what your rank is, Alenko. You don't deserve to be here with her."

The two men continued to glare at each other for a long moment. "I'm not discussin this with you, Lieutentant," Kaidan snapped and turned to leave.

"You destroyed her on Horizon, Kaidan. She hasn't been the same since," Joker said with venom. "If you hurt her again I will gladly break every bone in my body kicking your ass."

Kaidan kept walking. "If I hurt her again, I'll let you."


	4. Chapter 4

- CHAPTER 4 -

Shepard waited in the briefing room for her senior crew members to join her. They were getting close to the planet she and Miranda had chosen for the rendezvous. Miranda's brief message had said she, Jacob, Jack and five other former members of the Normandy 2 would be waiting for pick up. Miranda also had the rest of EDI's program and Shepard was looking forward to having the AI back.

Shepard smiled at that thought as her new command crew filed into the briefing room. Kaidan, Garrus, James Vega, Liara and Nancy Lyer stood around the central table and gave the Commander their full attention. Joker was listening on the comm.

"We'll be arriving at the planet in two hours. Garrus and Liara will join me on the ground crew to meet the others. Once everything is set I'll radio Joker to bring the Normandy down so the supplies can be loaded," She heard Alenko's slight hitch of breath. _Please don't fight me on this_, she thought to herself, but she didn't look at him.

"Lyer, make sure accommodations are in place for the new crew. Garrus, I want you on the main guns, just in case. James, have a reactionary team ready in case of trouble groundside." She took a breath and looked at the wall just past Kaidan's left shoulder. "Kaidan, keep the ship safe until we get back. Dismissed."

Everyone filed out except Alenko who had leaned against the wall, arms crossed. Shepard cursed silently to herself. The look on his face said he was going to fight her decision.

"I am going with the ground crew," He stated flatly. His tone left no room for argument, which of course Shepard ignored.

"We can't both go, it's against regulations."

Kaidan straightened and moved to the table putting his hands on the surface he faced Shepard. She stood straight and unmoving, but was secretly glad the wide table was between them.

"I have your six," he ground out. "I've always had your six. It's where I belong." _Except Horizon_ seemed to hang unspoken in the air.

Shepard tried to keep her anger in check and disarm him with reason. "There are plenty of people on the crew who have my six." Kaidan scowled and his eyebrows shot up. "On the _mission_! Damn, Kaidan, this is about the mission. Stay focused!"

"This is about more than the mission, Emelia. We need to clear the air between us," his voice was thick with emotion and his hands balled into fists.

Shepard took a deep breath. She really didn't want to have this conversation, especially now that the Reapers were attacking Earth. "This isn't the time for this, Kaidan."

"When will it be a good time, Em?" his anger was evident. "You have stiff armed me since we left Earth. We need to talk about this before we get in the thick of things. I need to apologize."

They were both quiet for moment before Kaidan spoke again. "I'm still sorry for what I said and I want to make it up to you," He said softly and moved around the table toward her.

Shepard moved away and leveled a stern look at him. "Let's just work together and stop the Reapers."

Kaidan froze at her words. "You said you understood my reaction. Why are you still avoiding me?"

"We have a mission to do, Major. We need to focus on that and not on our personal lives." Shepard kept her face and voice impassive.

"You can do that?" Kaidan asked incredulously. "Just be a machine and have only the mission? No personal interactions, no friendships. No one can maintain that pace for an extended period of time, Shepard."

"It worked just fine for me after Mindoir!" Shepard raised her voice for the first time. "Things didn't go to hell until the Normandy. I was just fine until I got attached to y- the crew." She blinked against the sting of tears. She'd be damned if she would let him see her cry.

"Didn't you tell me once on the Normandy that it was the first place you felt was a home? That when you came back to the ship after a mission you felt like you could truly relax and recharge? Didn't you tell me that you felt relieved that you could talk to me and let out all your feelings?" Kaidan stepped up to her and cupped her cheek in his hand. "Everyone needs that, Em. You're coming apart at the seams and I am not the only one who can see it. You need to open up again and let go sometimes."

Shepard closed her eyes and removed Kaidan's hand from her face. She quickly moved to the door, but turned partly to look at him before going through. "I can't, Kaidan." Her voice was rough from unshed tears.

"I knew better than to get involved with you, but I couldn't help myself. Horizon destroyed me, Kaidan," Her voice caught and she took a breath before she could continue. "I can't go through that again."

Kaidan watched helplessly as she left. He felt bereft and heart-sick. He had been so sure they could patch things up and go back to the way they had been before her death. He was completely at a loss now on how to make that happen.

Shepard walked quickly out of the armory to the CIC. She was desperate to reach her quarters before losing control. Garrus was just getting off and greeted her. Shepard held up a hand at him and got into the elevator.

Garrus was shocked at the look on Shepard's face. It was the same look she had after Horizon. He had thought the Commander and Kaidan would quickly reconcile. It was so obvious that they both loved each other. The anger he felt at Kaidan after Horizon came back with double force. Unfortunately, Kaidan walked into the CIC at just that moment.

Garrus let out a menacing growl as he caught Kaidan and threw him into the wall. Before the biotic could recover from the shock of the attack, Garrus put a clawed hand against Kaidan's sternum to keep the man against the wall.

Garrus leaned in close to Kaidan's face. "How dare you hurt her again!" Garrus snarled. "Do you have any idea how your crap on Horizon changed her?"

"Garrus," Kaidan started, but Garrus was too angry to listen.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Why couldn't you just apologize? Just stay the hell away from her now, she doesn't need any more stress." Garrus shoved Kaidan again and stalked away.

Kaidan stayed against the wall for a moment more, keenly aware that everyone in the CIC was looking at him. Slowly he stood up and went to the elevator to go back to his room.

* * *

><p>Kaidan was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling when his door chimed to let him know that someone was there.<p>

"Enter, "he said and sighed heavily as he stood up. He really wasn't up to handling another crew dilemma.

The door opened and Joker walked inside. Kaidan looked at the helmsman in surprise. He had said some horrible things to Joker after Shepard's death. Part of Kaidan still blamed Joker for her death. The two of them hadn't really spoken to each other since escaping Earth.

"So," Joker said in an easy tone. "You're still a bumbling ass when it comes to talking to Shepard?"

"I don't want to discuss this right now. Least of all with you, Joker," Kaidan said wearily.

"Why are you sulking in here instead of talking to her?" Joker asked with more heat.

"She doesn't want to talk. I tried and even apologized, but she doesn't care." Kaidan sat heavily in a chair and ran his hands through his hair.

"Shepard never _wants_ to talk," Joker said scathingly. "She hates admitting her emotions and she's no good when it comes to problems she can't shoot."

Joker walked in front of Kaidan and stood there until Kaidan looked up at him. "Kaidan, she hasn't been the same since Horizon. She's been withdrawn and angry. With the crap she went through going after the collectors and the hearing…," Joker sighed at the memory of the collector base. "Shepard's falling apart, Kaidan. She's faced more horrors than any one human should ever have to and she's done it with the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders."

"I know," Kaidan said sadly and then with full anger. "I know that, Joker and I know I caused most of it. I don't know how to fix it! I'm lost without her and its worse having her right here and still lost to me!"

"Make her talk, Kaidan," Joker said as he put a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "As a friend or a lover, it doesn't matter. She needs to get some of this out and you are the only person she has ever come close to really opening up to. You have to force this, even if it hurts her at the beginning. "

Kaidan gave a humorless chuckle. "It's more likely to make her hurt me."

Joker grinned at him. "That would be okay, too."

Kaidan didn't return the grin, but looked at his former friend with serious eyes. "I'm so sorry for what I said to you, Joker, after…after her death. I know it wasn't your fault she died."

Joker's grin faded and his face showed the depth of his sorrow. "Yeah it was, but thanks for saying it. She still loves you, Kaidan, and she needs you. She tries hard to keep her distance from people," Joker shied away from the little voice in his head that said he should know since he did the same. "Don't let her."

Joker patted Kaidan's shoulder once more and then left.

* * *

><p>Shepard had barely made it into the elevator before the tears came. Since arriving at her cabin she had given in and sobbed. She fell on the bed and let out all of her loneliness and sorrow. All the while berating herself for doing it. <em>Since when had tears ever solved anything?<em>

She wasn't sure how long she had been there. The sobs calmed down and now she simply cried. She couldn't seem to stop the tears. She wished her mom was here to talk to. Shepard hadn't actually missed her parents since joining the military. It made her feel even worse. She felt as if she had lost everyone she had ever cared for. _Another reason to not get close to anyone_, she told herself_. It doesn't hurt as much to lose someone you're not close to._

"Commander, we're approaching orbit for the rendezvous," Joker said over the comm..

Shepard wiped at her eyes as she replied. "Thanks, Joker. Have the team meet me in the shuttle bay."

* * *

><p>The simple pick-up that Shepard expected did not go according to plan. Cerberus agents had attacked moments after Shepard met Miranda, Jacob, Jack and the rest of the crew.<p>

It had been a quick, but fierce firefight. The twenty Cerberus agents were no match for three biotics, four armed crewmembers and Shepard.

By the time the Normandy landed and Vega arrived with the reinforcements the battle was over. The supplies were being loaded by the crew and the command team met in the comm room.

"What the hell happened?" Kaidan demanded as he glared at Miranda.

"Cerberus," was the brunette's curt reply.

"How did they find out about the pick-up?" Kaidan snarled, making it clear he thought Miranda was the culprit.

"I don't know," At Kaidan's snort of disbelief Miranda continued. "They were shooting at me, too, you know!"

"Enough!" Shepard barked and the room fell silent, although Kaidan and Miranda continued to glare at each other.

"Miranda, they must have tracked one of you to the planet. Use your Cerberus channels. I know you must still have access to some of them. See what you can find out." Shepard wiped at her stinging cheek and looked at the bit of blood left on her hand. With a sigh she continued.

"I understand Mordin is on the Salarian home world. We'll head there next since the Council was a waste of time."

"Big surprise there," Jack commented sarcastically.

Shepard ignored her. "Garrus, grab what techs you need and get EDI back online."

"The VI has seemed fine," Kaidan said in confusion.

"Yeah, except she's an AI and not a VI," Jacob commented as he and the others walked out.

Kaidan stood there with a shocked expression that made Shepard grin. "An unshackled AI, to boot," She said as she moved to leave. "It's a long story."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thank you to everyone who has commented and has added this story. I appreciate it, truly.

Here is another chapter and I hope to have one or two more published this weekend and finish this up. Please let me know what you think and what can be improved.

- CHAPTER 5 -

Shepard woke with a gasp and it took a moment for the dream to fade. She let out a shuddering breath and wiped at her sweaty forehead. The clock said 0124. With a heavy sigh she got up and showered.

Shepard dressed and sat down at her computer, but she couldn't concentrate. She paced down to the sitting area, but didn't feel like sitting. She went back up to the terminal and picked up a data pad with information on a possible location for the Rachni.

"EDI, when does Joker's shift start?" Shepard asked.

"Mr. Moreau is currently on shift for another 46 minutes," came the calm reply.

Shepard frowned slightly. She was sure the crew schedule had Joker coming on at 0300. "Joker," Shepard said into the comm.

"Yes, Commander?" Joker said immediately.

"Call your relief pilot and meet me in the mess in ten."

"I'm still on duty, Shepard," Joker said, not bothering to hide his irritation.

"Yes, you are. I want to talk about our approach and go over the contingency plans and I'm hungry. Meet me in ten," Shepard said with exasperation.

"Aye, aye."

Shepard had just sat down with some oatmeal and coffee when Joker came limping into the mess. He grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down across the table from Shepard.

"You're up early," he commented as he took a drink.

"And you switched shifts," Shepard countered.

"I wanted to make sure I was at the con when we approach" Joker shrugged nonchalantly. "What did you want to talk about?"

Shepard pushed the data pad over to Joker and quickly finished her bowl of oatmeal. "Since Cerberus has attacked us everywhere we've gone I want your opinion on how best to approach the planet. Also, I want your input on extraction plans if/when they attack."

Joker studied the data and nodded his head absently. "Shouldn't Alenko be planning this with you?" he said casually.

"We've already discussed it, but you're the flight expert and I want your opinion," Shepard said with a hint of exasperation.

She sat back and studied Joker for a moment. "I've noticed some tension between you and Kaidan since we left Earth. What's up with that?"

Joker simply shrugged without looking up from the data pad. Shepard gave an exasperated sigh. "Seriously, Joker, something's going on and I don't understand it. You and Kaidan were pretty good friends on the Normandy."

Joker shifted uneasily in his seat. "I left the Alliance and joined Cerberus," he muttered.

Shepard knew there was more to it than that. She leaned forward and put her elbows on the table giving her pilot a hard glare. "I know the Alliance grounded you and I know why," This shocked Joker into looking up at her. "I saw the files and read all about your insubordination and refusal to follow orders while you were all on the Citadel." Shepard leaned back. "I want your side of the story, Joker. What happened?"

"That's ancient history, Shepard," Joker spoke with a bit of an edge in his voice. "We'll be in orbit in six hours." He stood to leave.

"Sit down, Lieutenant," Shepard snapped in full Command mode. "We're not finished yet."

Joker gave her an angry stare before slowly sitting back down. He sat back in the chair and folded his arms across his chest while glaring at Shepard.

Shepard sighed heavily. "I'm feeling like I did when I first…woke up. Everything has changed and I don't understand why. Help me out a little, Joker."

Joker squirmed under her gaze. "It was all my fault," he murmured, looking down at the table. "Kaidan was destroyed by losing you and he laid into me. Ancient history, Commander."

Shepard sat there in silence with her brows furrowed as she tried to make sense of what he had just told her. She knew Joker would have taken the loss of the Normandy hard, but why would Kaidan fight with Joker over it?

When the silence stretched on for several minutes Joker risked a glance at Shepard. He really didn't want to get into this and dredge up all the old feelings of guilt. He watched as her confused expression turned to one of horror.

The pieces finally fell into place and Shepard's face paled. Her eyes flew to Joker's and her mouth dropped open in shock. "Kaidan blamed _you_ for my death?" she said in a shocked whisper. Joker hunched his shoulders and sunk further in his chair, his eyes refused to meet her face.

A strangled sound escaped her at his reaction. "You do, too," she said miserably as the realization hit her. Shepard slid out of her seat and kneeled beside Joker's chair.

"Oh, Joker," she said as she put a hand on his arm. "It never even _occurred_ to me…" She took a deep breath before she could continue. "I'm so sorry. I never blamed you for any of it. None of the escape pods would have even gotten off the Normandy without your actions. You saved the crew, Joker, and I am forever grateful for your incredible skill and dedication."

Joker simply shrugged and still refused to look at Shepard. She patted his arm and sat in the chair next to him. They sat in silence for a few moments.

Shepard cleared her throat and picked up the data pad. "How do you want to play this?" She said as she put the data pad between them.

Shepard and Joker were still discussing approach plans when Garrus entered the mess. He grabbed some food and sat down next to Shepard. "What's the plan?" he asked happily.

While Joker filled the Turian in on the discussion Shepard regarded the two men on either side of her. "You both have been such good friends to me. Thank you."

Joker and Garrus fell silent and gawked at her in surprise. Shepard smiled at them both. "I don't think I would have been able to handle…everything that happened after I woke up without you guys." The shocked silence continued and Shepard gave a small laugh. "I just realized that I have never told either of you what it meant to me – what it still means to me. " Their continued silence made her shift uncomfortably in her seat.

"Well," Garrus finally broke the silence. "It's nice to be finally appreciated." He patted her arm and Shepard laughed.

Joker grinned, "Speak for your self, Garrus. I've always known how indispensable I am." They all laughed.

Shepard got up to refill her and Joker's coffee. "This whole mess between Kaidan and I must have come as quite a shock to most of the crew. " She said as she returned to her seat.

Garrus and Joker both gave a snort and Shepard looked at them quizzically. "What?"

"Shepard, everyone on the original Normandy knew about you and Kaidan for months," Garrus said with a quiver of his face plates. "The – what is the term?"

"Sexual tension," Joker supplied with a grin.

"Right, " Garrus continued with a chuckle. "The sexual tension was unbearable. After Feros Tali suggested we lock the two of you in a room until you realized the truth and worked it out."

Joker giggled and Shepard shot him an exasperated look. "Everyone knew about us? I thought we were discreet."

Before either of them could comment Miranda and Jacob entered the mess hall. They got their breakfast and sat down with the others. Shepard hid a smile at the fact they had walked in together.

The five of them were chatting when Jack walked in. She and Miranda exchanged a glare as the young biotic sat at the table. Shepard knew they still didn't like one another, but they were able to work together and she would have to be satisfied with that.

James Vega was the next to enter and he pulled over another chair and sat in the space Garrus made for him. "Morning," he said to the people sitting there. Shepard smiled and nodded at him.

Shepard listened to the conversation and realized she felt truly happy and comfortable for the first time in months. The crew was starting to gel into a well working group despite their differences. She felt a fondness for each of them in their own way and valued their presence beside her. _Friends_, she thought with a little surprise. She smiled in contentment and joined the conversation.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Note: Thank you all for the kind words and for everyone who is following the story. A special thanks to Aya001 for pointing out a mistake in the last chapter. I haven't figured out how to reply to the reviews, but I really appreciate them.

I increased the rating just to be safe.

- Chapter 6 –

The door on the far side of the galley opened and Kaidan walked into the mess hall. He froze when his gaze found Shepard and the group at her table.

Shepard felt Joker and Garrus tense up at Kaidan's entrance. Jacob and Miranda turned in their seats to see what had caused the change in atmosphere. Jack turned slightly in her seat and leaned back insolently as she scrutinized Kaidan. James looked around at the reactions and back to Kaidan.

Camp Shepard was firmly entrenched and viewed Kaidan as a threat, Shepard realized with a sharp pang of regret. Kaidan was dressed in fatigues and, as usual, was military perfect. The bitter loneliness replaced her earlier happiness.

"Please join us, Kaidan," Shepard said softly and gave him a small smile.

Kaidan shifted nervously from foot to foot. "I, uh," he stammered and looked down at the floor. "I am going to check the Alliance channels for any updates." He looked again at the stern faces surrounding Shepard.

A movement by Jack caught Shepard's attention and an idea hit her. "Jack," Shepard said to the volatile young woman. "You should do some biotic training with Kaidan."

"What the hell for?" Jack spat as she sat upright in her chair. She threw a dangerous look at Kaidan and he tensed. "I'm stronger than he is." To prove her point, Jack turned her attention to the next table. Several of the new crew members were sitting there chatting. With a wave of her hand Jack sent a wave of energy toward the table. The entire table shuddered and all the cups on the table flew into the far wall. The startled crew members jumped and looked over at Jack, who chuckled. They all quickly left the mess.

"You have more raw power, but Kaidan has more control," Shepard said more strongly, effectively bringing Jack's attention back to her. "You could benefit from learning how to manipulate small items in addition to your exceptional ability to throw large ones."

Jack sneered at Shepard and looked back at Kaidan. She blatantly looked him up and down. Kaidan seemed to shift nervously at her inspection; a slight biotic halo lit his hands as he prepared to defend himself if needed.

Jack tilted her head and spoke to Shepard without removing her gaze from Kaidan. "He does have a fine ass, Shepard. But, I don't see why you're so twisted up over him."

"Jack," Shepard muttered as she looked down at the table in embarrassment.

Jack gave Kaidan a feral grin. "Either beat the shit out of him or fuck him, but get it over with." She leaned nonchalantly back in her chair. "Let me know if you need help with either one."

"Jack," Shepard growled as she thumped the table with a fist. The younger woman turned to Shepard with a satisfied grin on her face. The grin faded instantly at the furious look on her Commander's face and she shrugged.

"Whatever," she muttered and left the mess.

Kaidan muttered something and left as well.

Everyone was quiet for a moment and Shepard tamped down her anger at Jack. She looked over at Vega.

"You have your first training session with the crew today?" she asked him. Shepard had asked that all the new Alliance crew members get trained with one of her ground crew so everyone would be able to work together and they would all know Shepard's style and the commands she gave under fire.

"Yes, Ma'am," he answered with a smile. "I have already arranged the cargo hold to give us room and some cover. It should prove to be a great exercise."

Shepard nodded and excused herself from the table. Joker looked like he was going to say something, but in the end he just watched her leave.

* * *

><p>Shepard's anger grew as she made her way to the bottom of the ship. She practically stomped down the stairs into Jack's makeshift quarters.<p>

"What the hell was that all about, Jack?" Shepard growled as she came up to the younger woman.

Jack leaned back on her bunk insolently. "He's a pussy, Shepard."

Shepard took a step closer, her hands balled into tight fists. "This is a military vessel and he's the commanding officer," Shepard growled. "You will show him respect."

Jack stood up and faced Shepard. "Bullshit, Shepard," she spat. "I'm not military and I don't respect anyone."

Shepard took another step closer to Jack and jabbed a finger at her. "You will control yourself and treat everyone on the crew with a little respect or you can get your troubled ass off my ship!"

Jack sneered at her before turning and moving away a couple of steps. "What the hell is your problem, Shepard?"

"Right now it's just you, Jack." Shepard fairly trembled with anger.

Jack considered Shepard for a moment. "You're just pissed that I called your boyfriend out."

"He's not my boyfriend," Shepard growled.

Jack leaned against the wall seemingly unconcerned by Shepard's anger. "Maybe that's the problem. Don't come bitching at me because you can't decide if you love him or hate him."

"That's not the point, Jack. You were totally out of line."

Jack smiled at Shepard. "I'm always out of line and you know it, Shepard. Why don't you just give in and fuck him?"

Shepard shook her head in frustration and paced across the small space before turning back to Jack. "You told me once that for you lonely and alive worked. I've lost a lot of people close to me, Jack. It hurts and it never stops hurting. Maybe I don't want to go through that again. For me distance equals less pain."

"Fuck, Shepard, do you really believe that shit?" Jack barked with a laugh. "You think it won't bother you when Alenko gets torn to pieces because you haven't fucked him recently?" Jack laughed again.

Shepard sucked in a breath at her words and turned away. "Just straighten up, Jack and stop scaring the new crew."

Shepard heard the girl's snort as she climbed the stairs.

* * *

><p>Shepard left Jack and made her way to the cargo hold. Her anger had been replaced by a deep weariness. As infuriating as Jack could be, the volatile biotic had seen right through Shepard and her words had cut deep.<p>

Shepard paused as she approached the cargo hold. The doors were open and she could hear the sounds of Vega's training session. She quietly walked to the doors and leaned against the bulk head to watch.

Five crew members were scattered around the room behind crates, Vega was shouting orders and they moved accordingly. She watched as Kaidan appeared behind some containers on the far side of the room and performed a biotic throw at some mannequins stationed at the other end of the room.

Shepard had always enjoyed watching Kaidan practice his biotics. He moved with such grace and concentration; his mastery over his abilities was absolute. A flutter of desire moved inside her at the sight of him and a memory overtook her.

Shepard and Kaidan sat in the mess of the original Normandy playing an Asari board game similar to chess. Garrus and Tali were in chairs against the wall discussing something technical. Liara was listening to Wrex describe Krogan society. It was only a few days after Virmire and Ashley's absence was still palpable.

Shepard leaned forward and watched as Kaidan considered the board and decided on his next move. His brows were furrowed in concentration and his expressive brown eyes scanned every option. His look of concentration increased and a piece rose gracefully from the board and slowly moved to a new location, setting down gently.

"You shouldn't be moving the pieces biotically, Kaidan," Shepard said gently. "You'll give yourself a migraine."

Kaidan looked up at her and gave a slight grin. Shepard quickly looked down at the board to avoid the sudden heat his smile had caused in her. He was her Lieutenant and she wasn't supposed to have these feelings for him.

As she surveyed the board she felt the hair in her face gently moved behind her ear. Her eyes snapped up to see Kaidan looking at her intently, hungrily. As their eyes met she felt his biotic field move from her hair and gently stroke her cheek. The caress and the small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth made her breath catch in her chest. The longing to lean over the board and kiss him almost overwhelmed her. She managed to mutter something about Kaidan winning the game and practically fled the room.

A yell from the cargo hold brought Shepard back to the present and she saw one of the new crew members sprawled on the floor. Vega was standing over the clumsy man yelling about teamwork and following orders. Kaidan stood on the far side, leaning casually against the wall taking in the events.

Shepard quietly left the cargo hold and went to her quarters, diligently trying to bury the feeling of loneliness that the memory and the sight of Kaidan brought.


	7. Chapter 7

- CHAPTER 7 –

Shepard, Garrus and Kaidan walked along a faint trail looking for signs of the Rachni. The world was beautiful, richly forested with huge trees and green grass. She couldn't remember the last time she had walked on grass barefoot. She had a momentary desire to take off her boots and do so, but she quickly forced herself to concentrate on the mission.

"There's something…strange about this place," Kaidan muttered and glanced at Shepard. She simply nodded as they moved carefully forward.

Shepard couldn't quite put her finger on what it was that made her kind of jumpy. It was like the whisper of a cloud somewhere in the back of her skull.

Garrus made a hand motion and Kaidan and Shepard quickly took cover among the trees as the Turian crouched down and moved his sniper rifle to look through the scope.

After taking a long look, Garrus quietly joined his two comrades. "There are some crates stacked up just over the hill and to the right," he reported. "I didn't see any movement, but it seems suspicious."

It was very suspicious considering they had seen no hint of civilization. "We'll split up. Kaidan go through the trees and approach from the west. I'll do the same on the east. Garrus, you get as close as you can from here and set up to snipe if we need it." The two men nodded and they all melted into the trees.

Kaidan worked his way slowly through the trees and down the slope. He crouched and looked through the trees once he caught a glimpse of the crates. It didn't quite look like a camp. He inched his way forward making sure to not make any noise.

Kaidan reached a spot where he could see more clearly and scanned the area for any movement. He brought up his rifle and scanned using it. There was nothing alive down there, it seemed. He used his omni-tool to confirm there were no life signs in range.

"I have no readings," Kaidan whispered into the com. "I see some bodies lying behind the crates. I'm going to go in and take a look."

"I've got you covered, Kaidan," Garrus whispered back. "No heat signatures on my scope."

Kaidan waited a moment for Shepard to give the go/no-go, but she stayed silent. He quietly moved out of cover and scuttled to one of the crates.

Kaidan scanned the body lying closest to his crate. "He's definitely dead," Kaidan reported. "He's wearing Cerberus armor, but I can't determine what killed him."

"I'm coming in," Garrus stated as Kaidan moved to check out another body.

Garrus joined him a few minutes later. "Eight dead, no sign of how or what did the killing." Kaidan said as the Turian looked around.

Shepard still hadn't come out of the trees and that worried Kaidan. He hadn't heard any gunfire which was a good sign. "Shepard," he said over the comm..

Garrus looked at Kaidan worriedly when there was no answer. "Shepard, come in," Kaidan said louder. Silence.

"Joker," Kaidan yelled into the comm.. "What is Shepard's location?" He turned to scan the tree line all around them, his face clearly showing his concern.

"She's right there with you two," was Joker's concerned reply.

"Shepard is nowhere in sight," Garrus said back.

"Shit!" Joker yelled. "Her signature just blinked out. She was right next to you guys and now she's not showing up at all. EDI, locate Shepard's bio-signature."

"I do not detect Commander Shepard on the planet surface," came EDI's cool reply.

"Shepard!" Kaidan yelled and took off for the trees where she was supposed to have been approaching. He was completely panicked and his thoughts ran back to when he had opened the escape pod to find she wasn't there. Garrus ran right along side of him calling for the Commander over the comm..

* * *

><p>Shepard moved through the trees and found herself looking at a clearing in the forest. It was beautiful with thick grass and clumps of flowers. There was a large downed tree in the middle.<p>

She realized she was not at the location of the crates although her visor had shown she was going in the right direction.

"Shepard to ground team," she said over the comm.. There was nothing but silence. "Kaidan, Garrus, report," she snapped. The channel stayed silent, not even static.

"Joker, this is Shepard. Give me an update," she said as she looked nervously around her. The silence didn't change.

"Shit," she muttered and rubbed the top of her head. The niggling feeling had been increasing and it now seemed like a sound, but there was nothing she could hear except the slight breeze.

She realized she was in the middle of the clearing and had no memory of moving there. It irritated her that she would move to such an exposed location without thought.

Before she could move to cover she noticed movement ahead of her. Shepard crouched and looked around for some cover. She saw more movement from each direction. "Shit," she muttered. Four Rachni entered the clearing and stopped just beyond the trees.

Shepard heard something approaching from behind and she stood up slowly and turned to face it. A larger Rachni came into the clearing and stopped thirty feet from Shepard. Somehow Shepard knew this was the Rachni queen.

The sound in her head grew in "volume" and Shepard scrubbed at her head. It was difficult the think with all the noise.

"I'm Commander Shepard," She said to the Queen, who appeared to duck her head in acknowledgement. "We met on Feros."

The Rachni Queen seemed to inspect Shepard closely and the noise in Shepard's head changed and grew stronger. The Rachni Queen's tentacles moved in a spasm in what appeared to be irritation.

Images ran through Shepard's mind. The destruction of the Normandy, waking up in the Cerberus base, Anderson telling her she could not come back to the Alliance, Kaidan walking away on Horizon.

"No," Shepard yelled and forced herself to concentrate on the Rachni Queen. "The Reapers have come. We need your help."

The Rachni Queen shuddered and more images came at Shepard. The CIC map showing the Bahak system being destroyed, Anderson putting the manacles on her wrists, the Defense Council relieving her of duty.

Shepard sucked in a ragged breath and forced all of those emotions down. "That's not important," she said in a rough voice. "The Reapers…"

The four Rachni moved closer to her and the "music" – that wasn't an accurate term for the sound reverberating through her head, but she couldn't think of a better analogy – became even stronger.

A memory of her parents came to mind. Her twelfth birthday she realized. That had been an awesome day. One of the happiest she could remember. Instantly the pain of their loss when Mindoir was attacked shattered the memory and she ruthlessly pushed the memories away.

"Stop," she pleaded.

The Rachni queen shifted in agitation and the song/presence grew stronger.

A memory of Lisa Matthias came to Shepard. She had been one of Shepard's team members and the first real friend Shepard had made since Mindoir. The pain of losing Lisa and her other friends on Elysium welled up almost as fast. Shepard pushed those memories back down, as well.

"Don't!" Shepard yelled at the Rachni.

An Asari stepped out of the shadows and approached Shepard. "Your song has warped since the first time we met," the Asari said softly and Shepard realized the Rachni Queen was speaking through this woman as she had done on Feros.

"I've had a rough couple of years, but this isn't about me," Shepard said sternly in an attempt to turn the encounter back to her reason for being there.

"Your song is pain and lonliness," the Asari said, ignoring Shepard's words. "You have forgotten the joy."

The song/presence pushed and increased in "volume". Shepard shuddered under the assault as she tried to ignore it.

"Please, don't – " Shepard gasped as she waved a hand in a futile attempt to get the music to stop.

"You must release the pain," the Asari insisted. "It will sour your memories until you deal with it and leave it behind. Your song can not be true if you deny yourself."

Shepard choked back a cry as she put both hands over her ears.

"When first we met you were strong, determined. Your song was powerful and sure. You had around you allies of strength that you trusted. They recharged you, kept you strong. You have some of the same allies with you, but your song is warped, weak. You distance yourself from the songs of your allies, from that which can heal and make you strong."

Shepard squeezed her eyes shut and did not see the Asari withdraw from the grotto. The Rachni Queen walked up to Shepard.

"Don't do this," Shepard pleaded as tears began to fall from her eyes. "I don't want to remember those things. I don't want to feel…"

The other Rachni moved in closer until Shepard was surrounded. Images and the accompanying pain poured over her. Mindoir, Elysium, Williams, 300,000 deaths, fear, lonliness…Kaidan. The Rachni queen placed a tentacle on Shepard's temple and the song became unbearable. Shepard let out long wail of sorrow before passing out.

* * *

><p>"…anything?" Shepard heard Garrus' voice over the com as she slowly woke up.<p>

She groaned and tried to push herself off the ground. She fell back down on the grass, completely exhausted. A few tears continued to fall and a hiccup from crying escaped her. Her eyes felt gritty and her face was soaked from crying. She had no idea how long she had been there, but she felt as if she had been crying for weeks.

"Nothing," Joker's panicked voice came over the channel.

"Shepard, " Kaidan called on the communication channel. "Shepard, come in! Where are you!" He sounded even more panicked than Joker and Garrus.

"Kaidan," Shepard said hoarsely. It came out as a plea. More tears fell as she lay there.

"Em!" Kaidan yelled. "Are you all right? Where are you?"

"She's showing on the sensors now, Kaidan," Joker's voice came on. "I'm sending the coordinates to your suit."

"Only Kaidan," Shepard managed to croak.

"Roger," Garrus said uncertainly.

"Shepard," Joker said with concern. "You've been off our sensors for four hours! Are you alright?"

"I'm good," she whispered. "Just tired."

Shepard closed her eyes while she waited. She felt drained and completely exhausted. There was no sign of the Rachni anywhere around her.

She heard the pounding of Kaidan's steps as he ran to her. "Em!" he said with concern when he saw her lying on the ground. "Are you hurt?"

Kaidan fell to his knees by her side and helped her sit up. Shepard felt tears start to fall again, but this time they were from relief. Kaidan held her shoulders as he feverishly looked her up and down for injuries.

"Are you okay?" Kaidan asked quietly when he saw her tears. Shepard could only nod in response. Kaidan let out a rush of breath and put his forehead to hers, his hands gripping her shoulders. "I was so worried! We couldn't reach you and you weren't on the Normandy's sensors. What happened?"

Shepard gave a small smile and put her hands around Kaidan's neck. "Catharsis," she whispered.

"What?" Kaidan whispered.

Shepard simply shook her head. She didn't have the energy to try to explain it right now. "The Rachni are going to help us with the Reapers," she said quietly. She knew this to be true even though she had no memory of the Rachni Queen saying so.

"You saw the Rachni?" Kaidan asked and felt her nod against his forehead.

They sat there for several minutes, heads touching. Both drinking in their relief at finding the other safe.

"Come on," Kaidan said as he helped Shepard to her feet. "Let's get back to the Normandy."

Shepard managed to steady herself holding Kaidan's hand as she stood. "Not yet," she whispered and Kaidan looked at her in confusion.

"Garrus," Shepard said into the com. "Get back to the shuttle. Kaidan and I will be there shortly." Garrus acknowledged her doubtfully and Shepard continued. "Joker, Kaidan and I will be off line for a few minutes."

She heard Joker's concerned "Shepard?" before she turned off her com unit. She motioned at Kaidan and he turned his off, as well.

"Emelia?" Kaidan asked uncertainly, his hand still holding hers.

Shepard let go of Kaidan's hand and walked a few steps away. She turned and looked at him. Her arms crossed over her chest in a clear sign of anxiety. Her eyes were full of uncertainty.

"What do you want, Kaidan?" She asked softly. "Do you want to start over?"

"God, no!" Kaidan said emphatically and raked a hand through his hair. "We wasted so much time worrying about regulations and…" He looked at Emelia sadly. "I regretted that each and every day after you…were gone." He took a ragged breath. "I think that's what hurt the most about losing you," he said softly. "We had the night before Ilos and 48 hours of shore leave after the Citadel. Out of all the months we were together that is all we had and that regret ate at me." Kaidan walked over and took her hands in his.

"Em, I'm sorry for what I said on Horizon," he said quietly. "I'm sorry for what I put you through."

Emelia nodded and couldn't stop a tear from rolling down her cheek. "I know," she whispered.

Kaidan reached up and wiped the tear away and cupped her cheek in his hand. "I want to leave Horizon behind us, move on and spend every day making it up to you." He bent his head down and his lips were just a whisper away from hers. "I love you, Emelia," he said tenderly before he kissed her.

Emelia couldn't stop a moan from escaping as her hands went around his neck and she pulled him closer and returned his kiss.

When they finally broke the kiss, Emelia smiled up at Kaidan. "I love you, Kaidan. More than I ever thought was possible."

Kaidan kissed her nose and ran his thumb along her jaw. "I don't want to hide this anymore, Em. I don't care about regs or the crew. Hell, I don't even care if Hackett is standing in the same room with us. I love you and I don't want to waste a moment of our time together."

Emelia smiled at him and kissed him again. "When all of this is over we can worry about consequences and I'll accept what ever they want to do to me."

Kaidan pulled her into a crushing hug. Emelia clung to him for several moments before pulling back slightly.

With a crooked grin at Kaidan she turned her com back on. "Garrus, we're returning to the shuttle. We'll be there in a few minutes."

"Is everything okay, Shepard?" Garrus asked in concern.

Shepard gave Kaidan a full, glowing smile as he took her hand in his. "Everything's fine, Garrus. Absolutely perfect."

* * *

><p>AN: Thanks for reading. I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you enjoyed it. I decided to end it here and let you fill in what occurs when they get back to the Normandy *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*.


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